Thursday, 4 December 2008

Life - The Soundtrack

We've all done it at one point or another. At some point during our lives (or some would say for the most part during some lives), we picture ourselves as the star of our own personal movie that's running along inside our head. We know for a fact that the whole storyline revolves around us and, if we were ever written out, well, let's face it, the audience's interest would dwindle away to nothing. Don't deny it, you know you've done it. For me, that's happening most of the time (the shot composition could use a little work sometimes and it's more of an avant garde performance piece than a tightly plotted blockbuster but you get the idea). "That's all well and good," I hear you say,* "but what would the soundtrack to that film be like?" Well, I've gotta tell you, I'm glad you asked me that...

Scene 1 - Opening Shots
It's the opening scene. A new day, a new dawn and a blank canvas. The music swells with hope and fills us with the promise of things to come. Our ruggedly handsome yet follically challenged hero - bald of pate yet hairy of chin - raises himself from his chamber of slumber. Some mild comic relief is provided by the scratching of the arse and the ceremonial breaking of the morning wind (fart jokes always knock 'em dead). The music is majestic and sweeping yet simple and classic to evoke the wonder of things to come...
Track = "Shaddapa You Face" by Joe Dolce

Scene 2 - Motion Towards
Our man - now clad for the day and sporting a battered yet tatty leather jacket which he inexplicably still loves but should really be replaced by something that isn't falling apart - leaves the house. We're moving somewhere now, getting underway and the music carries us forward, gathering momentum, making the blood start to pulse and the soul start to soar.
Track = "The Birdie Song" by The Tweets

Scene 3 - Sick Transit, Glorious Monday
The first obstacle to the plot's progression. Our hero's way is blocked by the implacable face of an obstructive transport system that sees him as yet another cog in the machine, more cattle for the truck. He is driven to move onwards but his way is blocked at every turn by the wrong type of water on the lines or an insufficient number of passengers under the train. Here, musically, we are treated to the full bombast of his rage and frustration at the powerlessness of his situation.
Track = "My Boomerang Won't Come Back" by Charlie Drake

Scene 4 - Destination Known
Finally, our hero's journey reaches some measure of closure. His destination is reached - the cold, blank edifice of the dread castle wherein he must do battle for the nest eight and a half hours (which includes an hour for lunch). He skillfully negotiates the casual disinterest of the castle's stoic guardians and brazes the nostril-bashing ride in the lift that smells a little bit like sick. The music here is building to a crescendo - achievement is on the way. But wait... what's this? Upon logging in, he has to log back off to install a critical security update. A discordant note sounds...
Track = "Jake The Peg" by Rolf Harris

End Of Part One


Part Two to follow...**

* I don't actually hear you say that, obviously. That's just a narrative device. The interwebs doesn't work like that. Or does it? No, it doesn't.

** Actually, that's probably a lie. I think I've flogged this one to death quite sufficiently...

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