Friday, 23 March 2018

Diary Of A Supervillain - Part The Third

Glaxnor has to go. Yesterday, he went out marauding, took my favourite axe and then he broke it on Mr Indestructible's skull. I mean, come on! His name's Mr Indestructible, there's a clue right there! And then ,when he came back, he left gore and entrails all over the Bathroom of Ineffable Futility. I'd just bloody well cleaned it. Plus he deleted that box set I'd been saving for the last six months and filled the Sky box with wrestling. I don't care how much of a tough time he's had, he has to go!

My post arrived dead on time today. True, it was delivered by a man wearing three-inch thick amour plating and it took him twenty minutes to walk up the drive but at least he was on time. And is that really so much to ask?

Had a very snotty phone call from The Mighty Man. Asking me if I was fighting other heroes behind his back. I told him that I'd never been his exclusive nemesis anyway and I could thwart other heroic types if I wanted to. He said fine, he was thinking of stopping Countess Nefaria's vicious scheme for total world domination anyway and hung up. Felt a bit bad about it but, really, a villain can't be tied down to just one hero. There's a whole world out there.

Weekend tomorrow. Might go out shopping for some new evil animals (the evil axolotl was a no-go), see if there are any bulk malevolent discounts going. Plus some of the minions want to go to the cinema. There's a James Bond marathon playing. Might give everyone a few pointers as well as being a bit of fun. Sometimes a villain and his henchmen just need to unwind....

Thursday, 22 March 2018

Diary Of A Supervillain - Part The Second

Just had Glaxnor round - he's absolutely devastated. Someone called his mother to tell her that he's really a supervillain. That's really uncalled for. Now his dad's thrown him out of the house and said that if he ever comes round again, they'll call the police. I've told him he can crash in the Spare Room Of Terror for a few days until he gets himself sorted out and back on his feet. It'll be fun to have someone else round the lair for a bit (aside from the minions, of course).

No post at all this morning. Think the depot may have got in a bit of a huff after me killing all their postmen then calling them rude names yesterday. I had to break out the orbiting death platform and reduce their puny depot to tiny little smithereens. Now how am I going to get my post?

Had a call from Admiral Amazing this afternoon. He's on the lookout for a new villain of extreme evil and despicableness to match wits against. I said it might be fun. Feel a bit bad fighting another hero behind Mighty Man's back but sometimes you just have to move on. We're going to meet up for a few initial clashes and see how it goes from there.

Got a quote from Apparently, evil chinchillas are quite hard to find and quite tricky to mutate. May have to have a bit of a rethink. I'm thinking evil axolotl but suspect they may be even trickier than the chinchillas.

Some sad news today – one of the oldest minions, Minion Number 3, has decided it's time to call it a day on the old minioning front and strike out on his own. I shall be sad to see him go as we've had some good times together as evil master and henchman – the Evil Flying Robot Monkey-Children Caper, the Floating Doom, Fear In The Alps - happy times, one and all. I gave him the traditional send-off that all my minions get. I disintegrated him into a small pile of powdery ashes with my extra-big ray gun (the one I save for special occasions).

May have to have a word with Glaxnor. He left the butter out with the lid off and the dirty knife just lying next to it on the counter this morning after he'd had his toast. He also keeps taunting the piranhas with bits of cheese. I know he's going through a bit of a rough patch but, if he's going to live under my evil roof, he has to abide by my evil rules.

Had my first clash with Admiral Amazing today. We traded a few threats and insults and I promised to return and wreak terrible vengeance on him and a world which just didn't understand me. I think this could be the beginning of a very destructive relationship.


Wednesday, 21 March 2018

Diary Of A Supervillain - Part The First

Postman was late again this morning. Had to have the minions feed him his own entrails while fire ants devoured his terrified eyeballs. You'd think the depot would learn – that's the third one this month.

Fed the mutant piranhas. I don't think they appreciate the dog food, it's been making them look a bit peaky (the unexpected treat of fresh postman did perk them up a bit, though). Plus it's getting a bit expensive to keep feeding them so much - one of the drawbacks of their hideously mutated voracious appetite, I guess. May have to go for a different class of mutant. Maybe chinchillas. As long as they're really, really evil chinchillas.

My Impenetrable Lair of Ultimate Deptravity is a right state this morning. Glaxnor the Impervious came round last night. He'd been thwarted by Captain Pizazz and in record time too - he'd barely started his diabolical monologue before it was all over. He was feeling pretty down so we cracked open a few beers and, before we knew it, me, him and the minions were air-guitaring and air-drumming to Foo Fighters. Now there's double-handed axes, experimental ray guns and empty beer cans everywhere and someone seems to have melted my autographed Kings Of Leon poster. I may have to have one of the minions flayed alive as an example. That's sort of thing just isn't on – you should have more respect for other people's property.

Supposed to be meeting The Mighty Man for an apocalyptic showdown atop the bubbling lava of my secondary volcano lair but, to be honest, I'm not really in the mood. I'm still a bit hungover from last night. Might get one of the minions to rearrange – tomorrow would be better. Or Wednesday.

One of the minions keeps taking off his shoes and socks in the Sitting Room Of Despair and just leaving them lying around. Eurgh! May have to cut off all his toes and fashion them into a necklace to wear around my neck at all times. Maybe then he'll pick after himself a bit more.

Another phone call from the Royal Mail depot about their missing postman. I told them that they would rue the day they crossed me, laughed maniacally and hung up. Then I realised that they called me so presumably know who I am and where I live (well, they should know where I live otherwise I'm never going to get any packages). Hope this doesn't mean tomorrow's post will be late…

Met up with The Mighty Man for our climactic volcano-top battle. It was OK as climactic battles go – we traded a few insults, struggled precariously on the precipice and then he hurled me towards the bubbling lava whilst I performed one of my miracle death-defying escapes (which, as per usual, he failed to see thus believing me dead until the next time our paths cross). But it just felt to me like out hearts weren't really in it. My dread-filled speeches felt a little pat and his trademark roundhouse kick was half-hearted at best. Maybe it's time for us both to spend some time thwarting some other nemeses…