Somewhere, In Another Dimension....

So I wondered a while back what it would be like if mine and my brother's life was turned into a sub-standard sitcom in which we become overly stereotyped and caricatured versions of ourselves. Here's what I thought.

"BALDY AND THE SCUMDOG"

ANNOUNCER
And now, it’s time for the first installment of joy featuring that self-styled chap-about-town Baldy and his rough and ready brother The Scumdog. Today’s edition:- the lads discuss a great British tradition.

BALDY
How fares it, brother o’ mine?

SCUMDOG
Yeah, you know, not bad, bruv, not bad.

BALDY
You seem a little out of sorts.

SCUMDOG
Nah, I’m alright.

BALDY
Share with your frere.

SCUMDOG
Well, it’s nothing, really… we were just… I met up with a few of the boys for a few swift ones. Bit of banter, couple of pints, nothing much. Then Big Dave mentions mums. So Little Steve mentions mums. Words were said, got a bit out of hand and I had to give ‘em both a dry slap. Spoiled things a bit, really.

BALDY
See, I envy you.

SCUMDOG
What, for fighting with me mates?

BALDY
No, no, not for that. It’s the witty banter, the heady back and forth. I’ve never been able to “mum-cuss”, you see. Is that the right term?

SCUMDOG
No.

BALDY
Well, however the common hoi-polloi chose to term it, I’ve never been able to do it.

SCUMDOG
I reckon I could teach you a bit.

BALDY
Wouldn’t that be rather self-defeating?

SCUMDOG
What do you mean?

BALDY
We do have the same mother after all.

SCUMDOG
(sighs)
You could pretend to be someone else.

BALDY
Capital suggestion! A spot of the old roleplay, eh? Who should I be?

SCUMDOG
What? I don’t know.

BALDY
Oh, the possibilities are endless! Maybe a deep-sea fisherman with a shady secret in his tempestuous past. Or a cheeky cab driver who always longed to be a stand-up comedian. Or…

SCUMDOG
It doesn’t matter, that’s not the point. Just be someone that’s not you. Preferably someone less annoying.

BALDY
I don’t really see how you expect me to build the proper characterization necessary to the role without providing me with some proper improvisational tools.

SCUMDOG
D’you wanna do this or not?

BALDY
Fine. I am now Raul Domingez, retired bullfighter and secret lover to the wife of the mayor of Seville. I have a crippling allergy to Marmite and, in the summer I whittle small wooden dogs for the crippled children at the local orphanage.

SCUMDOG
I do not understand how you don’t get beaten up every second of every day of your life.

SCUMDOG
Come on, mon frere, I’m keen to learn.

SCUMDOG
(sighs)
Fine. Well, you can start with the “false security cuss”.

BALDY
The “false security cuss”?

SCUMDOG
Yep, that’s the one. You want something along the lines of “Give my best to your mum. I only gave her second best last night ‘cos I was too tired after your dad.”

BALDY
Aha, I see! Not only suggesting that you’ve had deeply intimate relations with the mother but also to imply a level of homosexuality on the part of the father.

Pause.

SCUMDOG
If you analyse everything, I’m gonna punch you in the neck.

BALDY
Fair point. Conceded. Move on.

SCUMDOG
Your other option is the “standard cuss”.

BALDY
Standard cuss, with you so far.

SCUMDOG
Something pretty basic that makes her out to be either stupid or a slag.

BALDY
The direct approach, I see. OK, mind if I try my hand at that one?

SCUMDOG
Go for it. It’s the only you’re gonna learn.

BALDY
Alright, then, here goes… (clears throat) right, here we go then. Right. Here goes… oh, I know! Your mum’s so dense, she couldn’t tell a left ventricle from a dorsal aorta. (bursts out laughing)

Pause.

SCUMDOG
What was that?

BALDY
Too much?

SCUMDOG
No! That was… you just… that was the lamest cuss ever. I mean, ever.

BALDY
Oh, come on, that was pretty cutting stuff.

SCUMDOG
That was rubbish. You know why?

BALDY
Why?

SCUMDOG
Because nobody cares about stuff like that. It’s crap.

BALDY
I think you’ll find it’s pretty important if you’re having open heart surgery. You really should know the difference between all those fiddly little bits.

SCUMDOG
Right. And how many people do you know whose mum’s perform open heart surgery?

Pause.

BALDY
Billy… Peterson.

SCUMDOG
Who’s Billy Peterson?

BALDY
Just a friend. You probably haven’t met him.

SCUMDOG
I see. And his mum’s a surgeon.

BALDY
Mrs Peterson? Yes.

SCUMDOG
Really?

BALDY
Oh yes.

SCUMDOG
Bruv…

Pause.

BALDY
No, I made him up.

SCUMDOG
Exactly. Nobody does it so it doesn’t work. Let’s try something else. You might be alright with this one. It’s the “Word Replacement System”.

BALDY
“Word Replacement System”, is it?

SCUMDOG
“Word Replacement System” it is.

BALDY
Do tell more.

SCUMDOG
It’s a piece of piss. Take the sentence someone has just said, replace some of the words with “yer mum” and say it back to them. Simple.

BALDY
I don’t know if that makes sense.

SCUMDOG
Yer mum doesn’t make sense.

BALDY
I don’t get it.

SCUMDOG
Yer mum doesn’t get it, either.

BALDY
OK, I think I’m beginning to get it now.

SCUMDOG
Yeah, yer mum’s beginning to get it too.

BALDY
Alright, stop now.

SCUMDOG
That’s what she said after the first couple of hours.

BALDY
Brother.

SCUMDOG
Fair enough. But that’s how easy it is, really. So many different options for you there. Go on, just give it a go. Let rip with a good old cuss.

BALDY
I don’t know if I can.

SCUMDOG
Go on, knock yourself out.

BALDY
Seems a bit off, knocking a chap’s mother.

SCUMDOG
Give it a bash.

BALDY
Not really cricket, is it?

SCUMDOG
(shouting)
Do it!

BALDY
Yer mum was a (DELETED) reacharound (DELETED) hairy sailor (DELETED) donkey punch (DELETED) like a rusty trombone (DELETED) each day of the week (DELETED) guava.

Pause.

SCUMDOG
Bit harsh.

BALDY
Too far?

SCUMDOG
Little bit.

BALDY
Oh dear.

SCUMDOG
Got potential, though, I’ll give you that. Only thing for it, mind. Got to put it to the test in a live environment.

BALDY
To the test, say you?

SCUMDOG
Fancy a pint?

BALDY
To the public house, say I!

SCUMDOG
Good job too, it’s your round.

ANNOUNCER
So ends this enlightening installment of Baldy and the Scumdog. Tune in last week and miss next week's episode.