I'll Never...

"I'll never..." They're a dangerous old couple of words, them. They seem to somehow act as almost some sort of mystical invocation, a calling to the ancient gods that somehow brings about the very consequence you wish to avoid. We've all seen it in TV and films where it works almost constantly. Generic Character Number One says, "I'll never walk down down the street in ladies underwear whilst waving a large inflatable banana around. No, sir, not me." Cut to Generic Character Number One walking down the street in ladies underwear, etc., etc...

Still slightly sceptical? Well, let me illustrate it with a couple of personal examples for you. Because I'm good like that.

Statement:- "I'll never live in South East London again."
Date of statement:- 1995 - 2006
Date of revocation:- 2006 to date
Details:- Yep, this is probably the biggest one for me. I spent years vowing that I would never move back South of the river. "South of the river? Nah, mate, I live in West London now. West is best. It's where it's at." And so on and so forth. But then came the end of 2006 and, with the passing of dear old Nana, Ma and Pa had a flat which needed tenants. Now, I loved living in West London but, the flat I was living in Acton, fun though it was, was a borderline death-trap. In fact, not long after I moved out, the living room ceiling fell in (and the floor did wobble alarmingly when you walked across it). And so, I packed up my comics and trekked my back across the river. And I don't regret it one bit because Blackheath and Greenwich are lovely. Still, I do occasionally get reminded that I said I'd never go back (for about a decade).

Statement:- "I'll never have anything to do with reality TV"
Date of statement:- Beginning of reality TV - 2006
Date of revocation:- 2006 - date
Details:- Hmmm, it's beginning to look like I completely switched my life over in 2006. Just coincidence, I assure you. I'm not overly a fan of reality TV and yet have been working on reality-type shows for two and a half years now. I do take pride in what I do, though, and in being the best there is at what I do - kind of like Wolverine if he was more office-based with rather good Excel skills. And without the claws for slicing people up and shit.

Statement:- "I'll never read Superman comics again"
Date of statement:- Every couple of years from 1994 to date
Date of revocation:- Every other couple of years from 1994 to date
Details:- Well, I'm just a fickle reader, really. Every couple of years I get annoyed/bored with the storylines to point of cancelling them all and saying that's it and then I look around a bit later to discover that I've been buying them again and filling in back issues. There's no pleasing some people...

So there you go a couple of "I'll never" examples. As the opposite always seem to come true, here's a couple more just on the off chance:-

• I'll never win £92 million on Euro Millions
• I'll never grow a full head of luxurious hair
• I'll never have absolutely filthy sex with Kelly Brook

You never know. Fingers crossed, eh?