Tuesday, 7 April 2009

I'll Never...

"I'll never..." They're a dangerous old couple of words, them. They seem to somehow act as almost some sort of mystical invocation, a calling to the ancient gods that somehow brings about the very consequence you wish to avoid. We've all seen it in TV and films where it works almost constantly. Generic Character Number One says, "I'll never walk down down the street in ladies underwear whilst waving a large inflatable banana around. No, sir, not me." Cut to Generic Character Number One walking down the street in ladies underwear, etc., etc...

Still slightly sceptical? Well, let me illustrate it with a couple of personal examples for you. Because I'm good like that.

Statement:- "I'll never live in South East London again."
Date of statement:- 1995 - 2006
Date of revocation:- 2006 to date
Details:- Yep, this is probably the biggest one for me. I spent years vowing that I would never move back South of the river. "South of the river? Nah, mate, I live in West London now. West is best. It's where it's at." And so on and so forth. But then came the end of 2006 and, with the passing of dear old Nana, Ma and Pa had a flat which needed tenants. Now, I loved living in West London but, the flat I was living in Acton, fun though it was, was a borderline death-trap. In fact, not long after I moved out, the living room ceiling fell in (and the floor did wobble alarmingly when you walked across it). And so, I packed up my comics and trekked my back across the river. And I don't regret it one bit because Blackheath and Greenwich are lovely. Still, I do occasionally get reminded that I said I'd never go back (for about a decade).

Statement:- "I'll never have anything to do with reality TV"
Date of statement:- Beginning of reality TV - 2006
Date of revocation:- 2006 - date
Details:- Hmmm, it's beginning to look like I completely switched my life over in 2006. Just coincidence, I assure you. I'm not overly a fan of reality TV and yet have been working on reality-type shows for two and a half years now. I do take pride in what I do, though, and in being the best there is at what I do - kind of like Wolverine if he was more office-based with rather good Excel skills. And without the claws for slicing people up and shit.

Statement:- "I'll never read Superman comics again"
Date of statement:- Every couple of years from 1994 to date
Date of revocation:- Every other couple of years from 1994 to date
Details:- Well, I'm just a fickle reader, really. Every couple of years I get annoyed/bored with the storylines to point of cancelling them all and saying that's it and then I look around a bit later to discover that I've been buying them again and filling in back issues. There's no pleasing some people...

So there you go a couple of "I'll never" examples. As the opposite always seem to come true, here's a couple more just on the off chance:-

  • I'll never win £92 million on Euro Millions
  • I'll never grow a full head of luxurious hair
  • I'll never have absolutely filthy sex with Kelly Brook

You never know. Fingers crossed, eh?

17 comments:

kapgaf said...

I'll never read Nick Nack Blog Attack again.

That Baldy Fella said...

I'll never reply to any of your comments (I feel like I've started a new game here...)

Belle said...

Sorry to be the partypooper, but I NEVER say never.

For example;
I WILL win the Euromillions
I WILL have filthy sex with George Clooney
and then I WILL dump him.

That Baldy Fella said...

But that means it's never gonna happen as proved above. QED.

Also, you've just reminded me that I was going to title this blog "Never Say Never Again" but completely forgot. Dammit.

Kurt said...

I'll never stop thinking how cool it sounds to say "flat" instead of "apartment". I tried to do it for a while but people just kept taking the tires off my car. Stupid Non-English speaking Americans.

Vic said...

I always said "I will never live in the suburbs".

Fifteen years on a cul-de-sac.

That Baldy Fella said...

Kurt - Being English is cool. We get to "go out on the piss" and for it not to be some bizarre watersport. Plus we use the word "fanny" for a much ruder part.

Vic - Maybe this "I'll never" thing is contagious. We should get everyone tested. It could be dangerous. Won't someone please think of the children?

Anna Russell said...

I say the same thing about Superman comics. I get so fed up of them not giving him good enough storylines that I swear I'm boycotting until there's more Kingdom Come type stuff, and then I give in 5 minutes later.

That Baldy Fella said...

I just get bored when Lex Luthor's not in it and in charge of everything (I don't like the current basement-dwelling mad scientist Lex Luthor - he's much more dull).
I'm liking the current storyline, though, but they might get ditched as I'm about to get conned into buying a load of new Batman comics (I know, I know).

TishTash said...

I'll never get the superpower of flight.

Whoo! I'm going to plan my itinerary now. First stop, the tippy top of the Great Pyramids!

That Baldy Fella said...

Is world domination a superpower? If so, I'll have that one. (Hmmm, on reflection, maybe that's an evilpower.)

Sweet Cheeks said...

In 1983 I said, "I will NEVER live in Idaho."

I've been here in Idaho since 1984...damn the universe and it's cruel sense of humor!

'Never' is a cursed word for sure...
:)

That Baldy Fella said...

I think the phrase "I'll never live in..." really is asking for trouble. That seems to be the winner so far....

Diane said...

Can I just state the obvious here? If you were to walk down the street in ladies underwear, you would likely be waving a banana (figuratively if not literally) whether you intended to or not ;)

That Baldy Fella said...

I'm just surprised that you're the first person to go there, knwoing the people who read this...

mo.stoneskin said...

"kind of like Wolverine if he was more office-based with rather good Excel skills"

I can add to that.

"...and shorter claws so that they did not make typing damn hard"

The thing is, Wolverine would NEVER wear woman's underwear, or wave about a large inflatable banana. And as he will NEVER do that, I feel like this is a sort of refutation of your theories...

That Baldy Fella said...

Yeah, shorter claws would work.

Ah, but I never said that I would do that. I said that Generic Character Number One in a film might say that. Therefore it still stands and I am brilliant at proving stuff. Kind of like Wolverine.