Friday, 17 April 2009

Fromage

I have been prompted (a couple of times) by TishTash in the comments section to post something about this. She believed that she was making an offhand joke and yet how was she to know that she had indeed hit upon a passion dear to my heart?* And what is the unholy love that dare not speak its name which she has invoked? Why, it's my fondness for cheese, of course.

Ah, cheese. Cheese. Cheeeeeeeese. Feels good just to say it, doesn't it? Go on, say it. You won't get a funny look from the person at the next desk or the passing loved one. They'll understand. Go on, I'll wait...

See? Told you.

This is not a specific love. This is not a snobby or elitist love. It is all encompassing. Cheese is cheese is cheese and its infinite diversity in infinite combinations is part of its very beauty. While I must confess that the milder cheeses do not rank amongst my favourites, there is still a time and a place for them. That's not say that I don't play the favourites game, though. Oh no.

If we are talking favourites, give me something mature, something runny, something blue, something strong enough to wake the neighbours and revive the dead. I'm always willing to try something new, as well. You've got one with chilli's and pickled onions in it? Cut me off a slice.** something containing exotic fruits and then perched on a rock for three months before being hand-rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin? I'll give it a go. I may know what I like but I'm always willing to have that knowledge expanded.

There is, however, a tragic downside to this passion of mine (and isn't there always?). I have noticed in recent months that if I consume a little too much cheese, particularly of the melted variety, it can have a rather catastrophic effect on my digestive system. Yes, dear friends, it looks as if I'm becoming slightly lactose intolerant. This is the sort of news that can really shake a fella. Life without cheese? What kind of pale, bland and listless world would that be? Well, here's hoping that, with careful moderation of my cheesy comestibles, I may never know.

So here's to cheese. Long it may it continue to be mature and mild and hard and soft and yellow and blue and runny and spreadable and, above all, tasty. Mmmm, cheese.


*Yes, I realise there are very many of those and it's crowded in there but I'm a big lad and there's plenty of space. It's beginning to look a little bit like a commuter train in there with my love for comics trying not to have it's face pressed into the sweaty armpit of my love for film but they're making the best of it and not complaining like all good commuters do.

** Insert generic "cutting the cheese" joke here.

8 comments:

kapgaf said...

If you get the chance and haven't already done so, try Maroilles, eaten as is or melted on a rare or bloody steak.

I tried a cheese that you had to tap with a piece of cutlery to get the last of the "artisans" out before eating. It was good !

Brie and camembert are tasty but, after 20 years in France, I'd swap a slice for a piece of really tasty Double Gloucester or Wensleydale.

Diane said...

So... do you have a dog named Gromit? 'Cause you were sounding suspiciously like Wallace there... and... hmmmmm... isn't he bald? Why, I believe he is! I've found you out! You've been hiding here in Blogland to escape the throngs of fans who love your half-baked face, haven't you? I knew it!

(Sorry... hungry... blood sugar's slow... will go find some cheese now...)

Diane said...

PS... my favorite is Haloumi, or 'squeaky cheese'... yum yum!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

They do sell lactaid tablets, which helps to augment one's personal lack of lactase (the enzyme that digests lactose). I did some experiments on it in undergrad. Even the generic brands work well.

TishTash said...

A lactose intolerant cheese lover? Kiss of death. My heartfelt condolences, Sir Fella.

You posting this has taught me a valuable lesson which is that if I poke and prod enough, I'll eventually get what I want. Oh boy! I"m getting that pony now!

That Baldy Fella said...

kapgaf - Aha, my subtle ploy to get recommendations for new cheeses to try has paid off...

Diane - My secret is out. I am indeed a middle-aged Yorkshireman made entirely from clay whose madcap inventing gets him into amusing scrapes. P.S. I also refer to it as "squeaky cheese" alnogn wiht paneer which is the Indian equivalent.

mjenks - Nice tip, sir, I may have to look into this...

TishTash - It's tough to be me...
Oh dear Lord, I've created a monster...

Lana said...

i also, will eat anything covered in or containing cheese. i hope the tablets work out for you, it'd be a shame to know what you're missing.

also, i don't know anything about importing cheese, but there's a fine sample you must try from rogue creamery in the states called 'smokey blue'. it actually blends smokey bbq flavor with that blue cheese tang and it's like an orgasm in your mouth.

That Baldy Fella said...

Hmm, interesting. I like a good smoked cheese so am curious about the smoked/blue cheese combo. Thanks for the tip!