I am English. This has been true for all of my life and will continue to be true for the remainder. As such, I practice a brand of careful meteorological pessimism that requires me to carry about my person at all times that object which man has come to know as "the umbrella". A trusted and true part of the everyday arsenal, this handy rain-deflecting object has prevented a thorough dousing on many an occasion.
"But, Mr The Bald Fella," I have been asked, "for why do you carry an umbrella when your head is so shiny and devoid of hair-based accoutrements?"
"What a perfectly ridiculous question," reply I, in a supercilious fashion. "Just because I am of the follically-challenged amongst our society, this does not mean that I want to get a right good soaking. If anything, it's more irritating - there is no hair to retain any of the moisture so it runs straight off the bonce and into the peepers. Most vexatious."
All of which makes it doubly irritating that I managed to leave the umbrella lying dormant upon the bedroom floor this good morning and that the only moments in which the heavens chose to unleash their most fierce torrential downpour was during the ten minutes in which I was walking from the station to the front door. With a kind of tedious inevitability, as soon as I stepped inside the front door, the downward river stopped. Bloody, as they say, typical.
I better put newspaper in those shoes. They'll never dry out otherwise.
(Makes a nice counterpoint to last Monday's sunny afternoon and will no doubt prompt a "serves you bloody right" from those of you who were suffering similar weather.)
* Length of remainder may vary due to external and internal circumstances.
10 comments:
Gah. My sympathies on the soaking. Hope the shoes dry out. (*secretly smug from last week*)
I you want rain, forget your umbrella. If you want sun, remember it. It's as simple as that.
Well, it is a blizzard here. So serves you right, methinks.
Also, I like the word "bonce."
I am going to start saying "bonce" and "peepers" forthwith. (Last time I was in England I tried to buy an umbrella and I was smirked at. )
Kurt - Me, too! (*secretly knew he was going to be smug*)
Striver - It's a simple system which has been proved right.
Rachel may - Yep, that'll learn me. "Noggin" is also a top head-style word.
Vic - Caution - if used too frequently, this can make you sound like Dick van Dyke. (We always smirk at tourists - it's just our way of saying hello)
Heh heh...comeuppance time, big guy. How's it taste?
It tastes sweet like candy. Oh no, wait, not "sweet like candy". Bitter. Bitter like ashes, yeah, that's the one. Easily confused.
I ALWAYS carry a little umbrella in my handbag. Just in case.
I also have pepper spray, antibacterial hand gel, and a small screw driver - you never know!
I've given up carrying brollies with me because at some point, I will leave it in the pub.
Belle - That's uber-organised. generally, I have an umbrella (except for yesterday, yes), an iPod, a book and a notebook. Heavily weighted towards entertainment over practicality there.
Anna - Ah, that's usually hats and scarves for me. And sometimes trousers. Did I say trousers? I meant gloves.
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