Things What Are Rubbish #3 - Public Transport

Sorry, Baldy Fans, feeling a bit peaky today so going to cheat and post an old post from way back in December 2006. Somewhat unsurprisingly, it's still all true...


Oh, London Transport, You Make My Heart Sing

I have a joy in my heart that cannot be contained. It is pure and simple and must be shared with others. Over the last month or so, I have been exposed to a delight which is known to many - the cheery commute from the sun-kissed South side of the river into town.

I have not been idle on my commute, oh no, my friends. I have utilised this time to compose a series of heartfelt and uplifting songs designed to show people the wonder that is my weekday journey to and from the place that is known as work. I'll share with you now a brief teaser of some of the moving tracks you can expect to experience on what will fast become, I'm sure, a commuter favourite.

1. Overcrowded Northern Line Sweatbox Blues
The title very much speaks for itself on this one. Here's a flavour of the lyrics:-

It's cold outside
And I'm all wrapped up
But get shoved on the Tube
And the sweat is gonna drop
I got the "cold-outside-so-all-wrapped-up-but-too-hot-when-I-get-on-the-Tube" overcrowded Northern Line sweatbox blues

2. Die, Die, All You London Transport Motherfuckers Must Die
A tribute to the professionalism and dedication of all our highly skilled, fully trained and career motivated London Transport staff. Gentlemen and ladies, I raise two fingers in salute to you.

3. Stand Behind The Yellow Line Means You, Too
A tender and touching ballad to those free spirits and wild-eyed loners who are blazing a trail and not following the rules set down by "The Man". Includes such topics as delaying the train for everyone by sticking your head between the doors and barging to get on before other people have disembarked.

4. Get Out Of My Bloody Way, Johnny Foreigner
A humourous and jaunty little ditty which also has a more serious underlying message about tolerance and respect for those of different nationalities and cultures:-

I don't care where you stand
With your damn map in hand
Just get the bloody hell back to Johnny-Foreign-land

Just doing my bit to spread a little bit of peace and harmony to peoples of all colours and creeds (except the Welsh, obviously).

5. Everyone Except Me Is A Cock
A rousing finale in which the love bursting in my heart finally overflows and I explain at great, great length exactly why everyone else who is travelling, has travelled and will ever travel on public transport is a massive tool who really should just fuck off out of it. Oh, and they're standing in my way, too. (Charts and diagrams will be provided in the liner notes).

Hopefully, this little musical tribute to a great infrastructure of our proud nation will be accepted as my chance to give something back to a system which has meant so much to so many. I'm thinking of calling it "Buy It Or I Stamp On This Guy's Neck"...