When you spend your life chasing around after O.P.P. (that's Other People's Problems), sometimes your own life takes a backseat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not short of my share of fun with the ladies and there are some who even get return visits (sweet Molly Malone, My Roly Poly Girl, always knows how to show a guy a good time). But I don't have a lot of time for love. Sure, once upon a time but that was long ago and far away....
So, when I went looking for Flo in Reverend Risingson's creepy cult, I wasn't expecting love to come looking for me. Look it did, however, and how. She was a knockout, alright, legs all the way up and the kind of body that would make a monk weep. But it wasn't just that. She was sweet, she was innocent, she was Naive and, with one look, I was hooked; line, sinker, the lot.
The cult itself was nothing new - your usual selection of half-baked new-age mumbo-jumbo, all designed to make the flock obedient and the shepherd richer, with a standard line in "What the World Needs Now Is Love" style platitudes for the sheep to bleat. Also unsurprising was the targeted membership of mainly young, nubile fillies.
"He's Got the Whole World In His Hands," I thought, taking in the sweet set-up that Risingson had carved out for himself.
I had to ingratiate myself into the cult first, before I performed my Sir Lancelot bit and swept the fair Flo from the clutches of the vile dragon.
"Did you call?" chimed in Rufus.
"Ah, go back to sleep," I muttered internally.
I Found A Job in the compound's vineyard (the cult made a nice little sideline profit in it's own wine merchant business) so that I could keep close to my Sweet Honey Baby Flo. Over the coming days, we built up a rapport and Flo began to feel that she could Come To Me and confide in me. Before long, we were as close as it was possible for two people to be and I began to suspect that she felt for me much the same way that I felt for her. I began to notice the suspicious looks, however, that the good Reverend was casting in my direction.
"Hey, Fuck You, Risingson," I thought. But I knew time was running short.
That night, under cover of darkness, Flo and I made good our escape from the compound and fled back to the real world. But the fairytale ending was not to be. I begged her to come back with me but Flo wanted to keep on running.
"I Started Something I Couldn't Finish with you," she said and, like that, she was gone.
I was blue. Bluer than blue. Rufus tried to cheer me up but his selection of bawdy dragon-related anecdotes failed to hit the spot. About a week later, I got a Postcard Of A Painting with a postmark indicating it had been sent from Mexico. It was from Flo.
She said that she hoped that she hadn't caused me any Embarrassment and that she'd always be fond of me but she'd started to Jump Around with another guy - a shady sounding character by the name of Mr Apollo - and that this could be the real thing. She wished me all the best and asked me to apologise to Joe about the money.
Ah, well. I wonder what Molly's up to....
O.P.P. - Naughty By Nature
My Roly Poly Girl - Jake Thackray
Naive - The Kooks
What The World Needs Now Is Love - Burt Bacharach
He's Got The Whole World In His Hands - Nina Simone
Found A Job - Talking Heads
Sweet Honey Baby - J.J. Barnes
Come To Me - Peter Sellers
Hey Fuck You - Beastie Boys
I Started Something I Couldn't Finish - The Smiths
Postcard Of A Painting - Maximo Park
Embarrassment - Madness
Jump Around - House Of Pain
Mr Apollo - Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band
Unbelievable - EMF