In honour of those Choose Your Own Adventure books which we all used to love as kids (unless you're a different age to me, in which case, they were before/after your time), today's post will be a similarly interactive affair, allowing you to weave your own way throughout. As is traditional, we begin at Number 1...
1. It's a fine day. You are reading Nick Nack Blog Attack and wondering where he gets his damn fine ideas. You begin to suspect that you will never reach these levels of insane genius. Suddenly, you hear an eerie noise coming from behind you.
If you want to investigate the strange noise, go to 2. If you would rather risk dying in ignorant bliss yet horrible agony, go to 3.
2. A ten-headed, multi-tentacled monster with scythe-like arms and many, many razor-sharp teeth has materialised in your room. It is bellowing at you in rage and covering you in little flecks of stinky monster-spittle. You scream like a little girl and this noise seems to only enrage it further. As you wet your pants while simultaneously emptying your bowels, it bites off your head with its numerous scalpel-like teeth. You are dead.
Go back to 1 and start again.
3. By choosing to ignore the eerie sound behind you, you have hurt the feelings of the monstrous slavering death beast which was creeping up on you and it slinks back to its own dimension for a bit of a sulk. Your quick thinking has kept you safe from the monster. However, your general tendency to ignore problems in the hope that they go away means that the chip fan fire you started earlier is still burning out of control and you die in horrible agony (albeit with a lovely odour of pork chops). You are dead.
Go back to 1 and start again.
Oh, come on, much as I loved them, they always seemed to be rigged to prevent you from actually getting to the end. I swear I read one of them for nearly a year and still never escaped...
7 comments:
I only discovered these "you're the hero" books as a baby-sitter but I hated them (a bit like those "psychoanalyst" programmes on computer that go in circles).
However, I am really upset to learn that chip fans are being burnt. Perhaps they get too close to the hot oil and spontaneously combust....
Hahaha, what a great post.
I was too nosy and always ended up cheating & reading every possibility.
Hi Baldy Fella,
As I am older, they didn't arrive in my house until I had kids of my own. They kept my kids occupied for hours, days, weeks on end and of course I had to help out when they couldn't escape.
Some series of that kind of book did have one or two happier endings in them, but as you say most didn't.
Being a parent that liked to be informed as to what my children read, I of course read them all cover to cover first.
Thanks for the memories, but don't mess with my head too often. I'll curse you with hair.
Euphoria
I demand a new option! Even though I totally cheated, I still want a new option. One that wins me shoes, preferably.
kapgaf - well done, you spotted the deliberate spelling mistake. And your prize is to go back to number 1 and start again (it's a theme).
Soda and Candy - It's not cheating, it's just making sure you win.
Lady Euphoria - Now there's no need for that (and if you ever saw any of my "hairstyles", you'd know why)!
Anna - Did you try going back to number 1 and starting again to see if it helped?
I went back to 1 but you should know that I only discovered these "you're the hero" books as a baby-sitter but I hated them (a bit like those "psychoanalyst" programmes on computer that go in circles).
However, I am really upset to learn that chip fans are being burnt. Perhaps they get too close to the hot oil and spontaneously combust....
Well done, you spotted the deliberate spelling mistake. And your prize is to go back to.... you know, I just got the strangest sense of deja vu. How odd.
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