Thursday, 7 January 2010

Shuffle Of Evil

(If you're not sure what all this is about, see this old post called Shuffle for the first example with explanation. Now onwards...)

The main problem with fiendishly complex plots for world domination is their frequent tendency to backfire in potentially life-threatening ways. It was after my latest scheme involving a giant orbiting laser, a hypnotherapist named Steve, a rare Bolivian dancing frog and the world's largest marching band that they finally caught up with me as I hobbled away from the scene of the crime like a One-Legged Dog. Naturally, I was put on trial for my globe-threatening naughtiness and many words were bandied back and forth, including (but not limited to) "Megalomania", "inferiority complex", "part-time cross dresser" and "inveterate bed-wetter". As is my wont, I would neither confirm or deny any of these charges (although, sadly, some of them are very much true).

As part of my farcical sham of a trial, I spent some time with a court-appointed therapist. Dr Peterson had a limited impact upon me, urging me "To Wait For Love" and other such hippy drivel. Although I have to admit that I did find him less bothersome after I had instructed a few minions to disintegrate his closest living relatives.

Eventually, my so-called trial came to it's inevitable conclusion when the judge stated that, for me, "Living In This World was no longer a viable option" and so, I would be placed into a rocket and fired into the heart of the sun. I personally felt that this may have been a little harsh, to be fired into the inky blackness of space with no way Back To The World until I reached the fiery ball of super-heated gas that would burn me to a cinder, but the judge felt that I was irredeemably evil and quite the most Warped individual he'd ever met.

Not wishing to give my tormentors the satisfaction of seeing me break down, I decided to Sing, Sing, Sing my way to my doom, giving them a rousing chorus as I was marched to my space-bound coffin. I saluted the gathering crowd, blowing kisses and Waves until I was unceremoniously clubbed about the head and shackled inside.

I came to, bound and restrained, high above the confines of the planet Earth and facing a blistering demise. I had to fight off the inevitable Space Dementia which is the hazard of any such journey but, fortunately, my indomitable will and ferociously evil intellect are not to be daunted by the mere vastness of space. Or even the looming threat of certain flaming death.

Suffice to say, my keen mind had soon found a way to release me from my shackles (naturally, I'll refrain from boring you with the tedious details as to how) and I soon set about planning my return. It was the merest of child's play to reprogramme my prison and set about returning. The instruments showed that, as the space crow flies, I was only Twenty Four Hours From Tulsa. Soon, my presence would be unleashed upon the world and I would show them my Law (Earthlings On Fire).

But wait, maybe this was a chance to start fresh. A chance to start anew in life. To seize the day all over again, to reacquaint myself with the world, to take Another First Kiss. The world believed me dead and who was I disabuse them of that notion? Could I be someone new, someone different, someone better?

Sadly, no. Shortly after landing, I found myself embroiled in a scheme to use reanimated Ghouls as replacement members of the UN Security Council. Well, I found day to day civilian life really was no cure for the Early Morning Blues. Who wants to be ordinary when you can be all-powerful?

So have I learned anything from the whole experience? Oh, I would definitely say that I have. I think that it's all just proved to me that the most important thing in life is to Be True To Yourself. That and to try and bend the collected peoples of the world to submit to your iron will. You've got to have a vision, really.

The Songs

Here's what the song shuffler threw up at me as the elements for today's little vignette:-

One-Legged Dog - Motel Hero
Megalomania - Muse
To Wait For Love - Tony Orlando
Living In This World - Guru
Back To The World - Curtis Mayfield
Warped - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Sing, Sing, Sing - Louis Prima
Waves - Nouvelle Vague
Space Dementia - Muse
Twenty Four Hours From Tulsa - Gene Pitney
Law (Earthlings On Fire) - David Bowie
Another First Kiss - They Might Be Giants
Ghouls - We Are Scientists
Early Morning Blues - Muddy Waters
Be True To Yourself - Bobby Vee

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