Saturday, 13 June 2009

People You'd Punch In The Face

Now, before I begin, I would like to state that I am generally by no means a violent person. I favour the tried and tested techniques of not picking a fight when it comes to confrontation (much like fellow baldy Mohandas Gandhi - it's a slaphead thing*). However, we were having the discussion in the office the other day about which famous people you would punch in the face and I have to admit that my ire was raised. Here are my exceptions to my generally non-violent rule:-

3. Jamie Oliver - A vomitingly sanctimonious trendy TV chef. This jumped-up little prat has now set himself as the be-all and end-all in advice on healthy eating for children. His attempts to clean up school dinners in the UK would be laudable if he wasn't so smug and over-bearing about the whole thing. He'd definitely get a smack in the face, the fat-tongued twat.

2. Max Clifford - Scum. Quite simply an utterly vile human being. He describes himself as a "publicist" and makes his living exploiting people who have sordid stories to sell to tabloid newspapers about celebrities. You rarely see a bad word written about him as he'll sue the arse off anyone who dares to print such a thing. In fact, if he ever saw this, I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to sue me for defamation of character. Very hard to defame someone that is an obnoxious excuse for a human being, though.

1. Hugh Grant - It's largely irrational this one but, every time I see his "oh, gosh" foppish face, the red mist descends and the urge to kill rises. In fact, he was the one who prompted this whole discussion as I was shown video of him kicking someone who was following him with a camera. He has single-handedly damaged the image of English people across the world by attempting to make everyone else think that we're all lovable, crumbly, bumbling upper-class fops. Every time he starts stuttering and stammering in that horribly affected way of his, I just want to punch his teeth down his throat. If all Hugh Grant films were wiped off the face of the Earth, it would be a day of much rejoicing in the Baldy Fella's household. Don't try and get me with but-what-about's, they can all go.**

How about you? Who would you most like to give a dry slap to?

* Well, unless you're talking about skinheads. Hmmm, it would seem that baldies occupy all ends of the violent spectrum.

** Alright, OK, I'll let Sirens stay because Elle MacPherson gets her kit off but that's your one and only exception.


erin said...

Bill O'Reilly. But that's kind of a given. He's just so...retarded. I can't think of a better word.

I have a love/hate relationship with Robin Williams. Sometimes he annoys me so much that I want to strangle him (sorry Robin) and sometimes I want to cuddle with him in a very non sexual teddy bear type way and have him do impressions for me and cook me dinner.

KMcJoseph said...

Axl Rose for screwing up my favorite band when I was a teenager.

Pearl said...

I have a list and am ready to expound on this topic at the drop of a hat (or the purchase of a beer).

Rush Limbaugh
Bill O'Reilly
Helen Hunt
Sandra Bullock
Tom Cruise
Quentin Tarantino
And anyone walking around with their pants falling off.


SweetPeaSurry said...

Personally, I prefer the outrageously irreverant lot of brits! LOVE THEM!!!

That Baldy Fella said...

erin - I don;t really know Bill O'Reilly - I don't think we see much of him over here.
Yeah, I wouldn't punch him but I do struggle to see what I once found funny about him now.

KMcJoseph - I was always more of an Aerosmith fan. Until they did that song for Armageddon and became really shit.

Pearl - Looks like you've got some serious punching to be getting on with there. I'd better mnot delay you...

kapgaf said...

Sorry I'm late (been gadding about in Normandy).
I'd like to punch the following people but in no particular order :
- Brad Pitt - am I really the only one who thinks he's highly overrated ?
- Nicolas Sarkozy (jumped up little French git, need I say more ?)
- Dawn French for going all religious and lovey
- Jane Birkin for talking French with a really strong French accent and a breathless voice
- the restaurant owner who served us a seafood platter at lunchtime that was inedible because it wasn't fresh. I did have the pleasure of saying that I could understand how difficult it must be to get fresh seafood - after all, the restaurant is on the other side of the road from the fishing port.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Seth Rogen.

That Baldy Fella said...

kapgaf - Fine choices although I think that punching Dawn French might be a step too far for my tastes...

mjenks - Well, I liked him in 40 Year Virgin and Knocked Up but he is becoming a bit omnipresent