Now, before I begin, I would like to state that I am generally by no means a violent person. I favour the tried and tested techniques of not picking a fight when it comes to confrontation (much like fellow baldy Mohandas Gandhi - it's a slaphead thing*). However, we were having the discussion in the office the other day about which famous people you would punch in the face and I have to admit that my ire was raised. Here are my exceptions to my generally non-violent rule:-
3. Jamie Oliver - A vomitingly sanctimonious trendy TV chef. This jumped-up little prat has now set himself as the be-all and end-all in advice on healthy eating for children. His attempts to clean up school dinners in the UK would be laudable if he wasn't so smug and over-bearing about the whole thing. He'd definitely get a smack in the face, the fat-tongued twat.
2. Max Clifford - Scum. Quite simply an utterly vile human being. He describes himself as a "publicist" and makes his living exploiting people who have sordid stories to sell to tabloid newspapers about celebrities. You rarely see a bad word written about him as he'll sue the arse off anyone who dares to print such a thing. In fact, if he ever saw this, I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to sue me for defamation of character. Very hard to defame someone that is an obnoxious excuse for a human being, though.
1. Hugh Grant - It's largely irrational this one but, every time I see his "oh, gosh" foppish face, the red mist descends and the urge to kill rises. In fact, he was the one who prompted this whole discussion as I was shown video of him kicking someone who was following him with a camera. He has single-handedly damaged the image of English people across the world by attempting to make everyone else think that we're all lovable, crumbly, bumbling upper-class fops. Every time he starts stuttering and stammering in that horribly affected way of his, I just want to punch his teeth down his throat. If all Hugh Grant films were wiped off the face of the Earth, it would be a day of much rejoicing in the Baldy Fella's household. Don't try and get me with but-what-about's, they can all go.**
How about you? Who would you most like to give a dry slap to?
* Well, unless you're talking about skinheads. Hmmm, it would seem that baldies occupy all ends of the violent spectrum.
** Alright, OK, I'll let Sirens stay because Elle MacPherson gets her kit off but that's your one and only exception.