Name:- Cainam Of Myn (try the old trick of reading it backwards)
Object:- A slightly soggy black pudding
Dialogue:- "Get that bloody helicopter off my roof!"
Title:- "The Unbearable Shite-Ness Of Being"
So, without any further ado, let's crack on with today's story, shall we?
The Unbearable Shite-Ness Of Being
The Lord High Prestator was a man upon whose lordly shoulders the weight of world rested heavily. He was the Cainam of Myn like his father before him and his father before him and so on and so forth, back as far as remembering went. Myn had once been a proud and prosperous land and the Cainam was a ruler with which to be reckoned. Alas and alack, those days had passed and the kingdom of Myn had fallen on hard times.
Gone was the former glory and splendour of the once marvellously regal palace. The lordly robes of the Cainam, once of the finest cloths and furs, were now provided by the local Mynian charity shops. In its heyday, the royal court was host to resplendent banquets which filled the bellies of the guests with sumptuous treats and delightful sweetmeats from around the world. Now, they were lucky if they could rustle up some dishevelled looking sausages and a slightly soggy black pudding.
One day, as he dejectedly contemplated the dilapidated shell of a building around him, the Lord High Prestator became aware of a great commotion. Noise filled the air and, pausing only to gather up a retinue of half-hearted and under-paid courtiers, he made his way out into the courtyard.
The sight that greeted was one set only to deepen his gloom. For there, approaching from the west, was the royal helicopter of his cousin, the Grand High Ferard, ruler and Cainam of the neighbouring kingdom of Otpelk. Otpelk had skirted the hard times by continuing to be opulent and wealthy and, having spent some time wallowing in the mires of poverty, Prestator had begun to harbour festering feelings of resentment.
"Get that bloody helicopter off my roof!" yelled his High Lordship as the vehicle touched down. Fortune favoured Cainam Ferard for he had chosen the one remaining toughened section of roof upon which to alight and it did not collapse under the machine's weight.
"I bring good news, oh cousin!" exclaimed the newcomer, sweeping his rather fine and extremely regal robes in the direction of his more squalid cousin. "Wondrous news indeed!"
At this, Prestator's heart began to lift. Maybe this was it, maybe this was the return to fortune and glory that he so richly deserved. Maybe his affluent cousin was here to raise him and rescue him from the doldrums. Hope began to flutter in his dour heart.
"What news bring you, cousin of mine?"
"Oh, it's a corker. Basically, you've run this country so far into the ground that I can now afford to buy it wholesale and annex the whole place as part of the newly expanding Greater Otpelkian Empire. You get to be the first step on the way to world domination. Isn't that spiffing?"
Prestator, former Cainam of Myn and now Chief Executive Prisoner in new Royal Executive Prison of Lesser Otpelk (Formerly Myn), was also the first person to be incarcerated for attempted regicide. Mind you, the food was a lot better these days...