CrashBangWallop

There may well have been a six year gap where I didn't keep up this whole blogging thing but I occasionally jotted something down in an (unsuccessful obviously) attempt to kick myself back into doing it again. Here's one I wrote down (very) shortly after being run over by a car about four years ago (spoiler alert - I lived).


March 2014
It is 4 a.m. and I am lying in a hospital bed. Now there's a dramatic hook to pique your interest. Fear not, Gentle Reader, for your Humble Narrator is not in grave peril. No, the key to this unexpected sojourn is one of observation. The old noggin has taken an unexpected pounding and the professionals of a medical persuasion would like to ensure that all the interior grey bits are suitably interiory and grey.

How did I come to be in this decidedly unenviable position? Well, I contracted a rather sudden case of being-hit-by-a-car-whose-driver-wasn't-looking-while-I-crossed-the-road-itis. It is hopefully the sort of thing that is not recurring and, in this instance, did not result in the breaking of any bones*. It did result in me being flipped bodily through the air; however, my nose and face had the foresight to try and stop my fall (which has resulted in my nose occupying rather more facial real estate than before; slightly disappointing when it had a substantial enough holding to begin with).

It's a curious sensation when you're in a car crash. It's somewhat of a cliche but time does appear to slow down whilst still all running much too quickly for you to do anything about. I could see him indicating, I could see him suddenly step on the gas even though I was halfway across the road, I knew with certainty that he was going to hit me and yet I just couldn't move myself out the way quick enough. Then suddenly on ground, face hurts, hang on, face wet, blood pouring, oh it's mine.

Fortunately, the local citizens are a decent bunch and a small crowd of people were calling the emergency services, passing me tissues, gathering my stuff (including miraculously unbroken glasses) and even getting me an ice pack (courtesy of a lady who lived a couple of doors down). Community spirit in action.

In fact, everyone I dealt with was rather splendid, passers by to police to paramedics. I’ve come out of it pretty well - I literally walked away, albeit creakily and shakily. The hope was that I would go home but the CT scan showed some very minor internal bleeding and they don't take chances with head wounds so, after six hours in casualty, I was passed upstairs into a bed for observation.

This is only the second time I've spent the night in hospital and it's for the exact same reason as the first - head trauma. Different circumstances, mind - first time round, I was playing It in the playground, tripped over my own feet and knocked myself out. I was kept in to make sure there was no concussion. It was one of the most terrifying nights of my 8/9 year old life. Strange people, strange sounds and a distinct lack of sleep. The terror has gone but the other elements are all there…

They're checking my blood pressure and so forth every two hours so sleep is not overly likely but even if they weren't, my fellow inmates... sorry, patients... are more than up to the job of keeping me from the Land of Nod.

There's Snorey to my right. Now I can't really complain about that as I'm sure that, on the few moments I am drifting off, I'm more than giving him a run for his money (especially with my newly redistributed nasal passages). To my left is Mr Orgasm Noise. Every now and then he starts making a noise like he's right in the middle of Happy Fun Time. He's definitely not (at least I hope not) but to the aural only visitor, they could be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

The cream of the crop, however, is Bloody Hell Man. Now, he is obviously in some discomfort but it seems that this absolutely has to be loudly and swearily announced to the room every five to ten minutes. "Bloody hell" is the most common but we've also several "fuck mes", "bloody arses", "fucking hells" and my personal favourite "Jiminy Cricket".

One and a half hours to next checkup. I fear sleep may be unlikely....


Historian's Note:- I did in fact sustain a broken bone - a big toe which did not become apparent for about a week or so due to the general discomfort of walking around after being hit by a car anyway. I did not really sleep much for the rest of the night but very much enjoyed the selection of both strong and very strong painkillers that I was supplied with which made everything go all sort of soft and pillowy. I don't know what became of Bloody Hell Man; we didn't stay in touch.