Rules. Who doesn’t love arbitrary restrictions designed to cater for the broadest possible set of circumstances in a generalised and often frustrating manner? Exactly, they’re great and I think that there need to be some more imposed upon the everyday activity of commuting. No, no, hear me out, if you’ve ever had to squeeze yourself on to a hot metal box full of objectionable germ factories stationed mere inches away from your face (or “go to work” as some of you may refer to it), then these may well float your boat.
The Spot
Everyone has a spot. You know the spot. Yeah, it’s that place where you stand on the platform to wait for the exact door you need in order to either a) provide you with the speediest possible exit at your desired destination; or b) provide you with the slim possibility of getting that mythical object, A Seat.
New Rule:- A commuter’s spot is inviolate. Once a spot has been claimed, any other commuter attempting to take that spot may be subject to glaring and tutting.
Standing Trumps All*
Yes, we all want to remove ourselves from the infernal confines of the moving misery box as soon as we reach our final destination. Who would want to spend a single second more than is necessary in the ludicrously overpriced, railbound Bastille upon which we are forced to depend day in and day out? No one, naturally. But I tell you what, matey, if I’ve been stood up for the entire journey and you’ve been sat down in a nice comfy seat, you can bloody well wait for me to get off first instead of barging your way past.
New Rule:- All standees have priority in terms of exiting the vehicle. Anyone caught violating this rule will be kneecapped.
Headphones Are An Invention
It is true that phones have built in speakers in them and that technically those can be used for playing either crappy dance music via Spotify or whatever dreadful YouTube video you happen to be gawking at. It is also true that headphones are an invention that are issued as standard with every phone and that you should bloody well use them.
New Rule:- Anyone caught inflicting their audio upon other commuters will be forced to me listening to a single Chas and Dave song out loud on a loop.
Go Away and Be Ill Somewhere Else
This doesn’t just apply to the commuting part of the day (although it is at its worst at that point in the day) but to working life in general. If you are ill, if you are spreading germs, if you are essentially a walking delivery system for mucus, stay at home. I don’t want your germs. No one on the train wants your germs. No one in the office wants your germs. Go away.
New rule:- Just don’t.
If this post seems somewhat grumpy and ill-tempered, good. That’s pretty much the tone I was going for there to accurately capture the whole commuting experience in a nutshell. A crowded, noisy, stinking, angry nutshell. You’re welcome.
* I can’t even use the word “trump” anymore without conjuring up visions of the Tango’d Chuckle Brother who is bafflingly the leader of the free world. Although it is appropriate when being used in the farty sense, of course.
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