This is your future (and, let’s face it, more handsome) self writing to you via the medium of, oh I don’t know, let’s say some sort of snazzy word-processing-based vaguely mystical yet solidly scientific method of time travel. I have been given this opportunity to drop you some words of comfort, wisdom and general advice in order to guide you on your way. Don’t worry, though, I’m still you so will probably end up insulting you instead (we haven’t changed too much).
Let’s crack on with it, shall we?
- Don’t bother spending as much time as you currently do slathering your hair in a ridiculous amount of product. It’s unmanageable anyway, you won't get any interest from girls until you’re about 19 and it’ll start going by 21 anyway. Get yourself a decent set of hair clippers. You will be using them. A lot.
- You might be worried about something on the horizon called “the Gulf War”. Don’t worry too much - this is only Round One and, by the time you get to 2020, there’ll be so many more things to worry about. So many more.
- After an initial bout of cider drinking starting in a year or so, you will discover the joys of beer. You’ll carry on discovering it for a number of years subsequent to that (you’re still working your way through it at the moment…).
- At this point, Doctor Who is done with. Don’t get your hopes up until 1996 and even then don’t get them up too much. Don’t despair, though - give it about 15 years and you might get a pleasant surprise.
- You will watch Gremlins 2: The New Batch several times at the cinema this summer. When you get to be me, you’ll still think it’s great.
- The following people will have an impact on you over the next few years:- Michelle Pfeiffer, Cindy Crawford, Sherilynn Fenn, Erika Eleniak off Baywatch, Gloria Estefan (yeah, bit of a curveball, that one). Enjoy.
- Those glasses you have now? You should get rid of them. They make you look like Timmy Mallett. At no point does this become a cool and retro thing.
- You know how you're a cat person? Yeah, that hasn't changed. At one point, you'll live with four. It'll be as great as it sounds.
- Your love of lists has not diminished in the intervening years.
- Actually, you know what? Just crack on with it as is. It’ll play out that way it’ll play out. You’ll have good times and you’ll have bad times but it’ll absolutely be worth it for the people you meet. Ah, you’ve got some cracking people just around the corner (and even right up to now), can't wait for you to meet them. It’s gonna be alright.
Anyway, better go back to my highly successful careers as best-selling author / filmmaker / beer-taster / rollercoaster-tester / general national treasure*. See you in a couple of decades - just make sure you’re looking for someone with a much higher forehead than you currently have…
Toodles,
Bigger, Balder You
* Look, if you can't lie to yourself, who can you lie to?
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