In Which I Save Horror Film Making

Hollywood certainly loves to try and turn a recognisable brand or fad into what it hopes will be the next big film franchise. They tried it with board games of all things (you all remember Battleship, right? Right? Ahem…) and the most recent one to get the big screen treatment was the inevitable horror film Escape Room (tagline - “You’re invited to play for your life”; effort level feels a little low on that one, to be honest). I’d quite like a slice of that easy Hollywood franchise pie so here are my pitches for current city fads that could be nicely converted into horror films.*

Speakeasy
Tagline:- “Come inside… if you can.”
The Pitch:- A malevolent entity chases a group of photogenic twenty-somethings as they desperately try to follow knowingly oblique instructions to get into London’s newest and most secretive hot bar (which is located inside in a former sewage treatment plant).
The Twist:- Escaping the entity’s fiendish clutches, the surviving bloodied but still photogenic couple finally make it to the speakeasy only to discover that they’ve been dead the whole time.

Board Game Cafe
Tagline:- “Suitable for two to four victims.”
The Pitch:- A group of surprisingly photogenic nerdy twenty-somethings find themselves trapped in a board game cafe, forced to play games to survive. The losers are bumped off in hilariously game themed ways.
The Twist:- The surviving bloodied but still photogenic couple pick a co-operative board game and beat the system only to discover that they’ve been dead the whole time.

Bottomless Brunch
Tagline:- “It. Never. Ends.”
The Pitch:- A group of photogenic twenty-somethings gradually succumb to alcohol poisoning in a bleak and brutal indictment of Britain’s drinking culture.
The Twist:- Auden, the surviving photogenic twenty-something, checks himself into rehab only to discover that he’s always been there, the whole thing was a dream and his friends have been dead the whole time.

There you go, Hollywood. Please make out my massive development cheque to “That Baldy Fella” and send any further royalties to my offshore Cayman Islands account. Next time, I’ll solve science fiction film making for you (wait til you see the twist endings I’ve got planned…)

* No, I haven’t actually seen Escape Room but being sneerily dismissive of things you haven’t seen is the third most popular thing about the internet; the other two being funny cat videos and porn, of course.