In Conversation With Peter Sellers - Part The Second

Once in the sitting room, Peter hopped up onto the sofa and settled into his customary upright seated position, looking up at me expectantly. I shuffled my way into the room and stood there, continuing to go with staring in the absence of any other prompting.

“Come and sit down, Henry, you make the place look untidy.”

As I did so, I began to smile. At this point, you see, I had figured something out. I was asleep. Had to be. Or maybe in some sort of coma but that was a less appealing option to contemplate so I was going with dream for the time being.

“You can wipe that dopey smile off your face as well, you’re not dreaming,” said Peter Sellers, flicking an ear in an irritable fashion.

“Could you… could you always talk?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. Just never felt the need beforehand. General meowing and pawing always got the point across well enough so why rock the boat, you know?”

“Can all cats talk?”

“Well,” said Peter Sellers, “I haven’t met every cat in the world so I can’t speak with authority for my species as a whole. Certainly all the ones I’ve met round here can, anyway.”

If this was a dream, it was certainly all being pretty rational so far. Well, with the exception of the whole talking cat scenario.

“Why don’t you just talk to us all the time then?”

Peter Sellers swished his tail in a telltale sign of irritation.

“How long have we been - to put it in terms you’ll understand - “owner” and “pet”?”

I shrugged. “Oh, about four years now.”

“Right. And what’s the main thing you’ve learned about cats in that time?”

I thought for a moment.

“That the whole thing about you being graceful creatures and always landing on your feet is definitely a lie?”

Peter Sellers sighed with an accompanying tail swish. “No. Well, yes, that is true but that’s not the main thing.”

“It’s not?”

“No, it’s not. The main thing that you have learnt about the way cats behave is economy of expenditure.”

“I see.”

He stared at me in silence for a moment before deciding that I really didn’t see and he had better carry on.

“Cats don’t do anything that they absolutely don’t need to. I had no real need to speak to you so I didn’t speak. That’s how cats roll.”

I must admit, that certainly seemed to make sense. Cats have elevated the whole concept of laziness into a form of performance art. This did leave only one question.

“So why break it now? Why speak to me?”

Peter Sellers hunkered down and languidly stretched out a paw towards me.

“It’s like I said - you’re not getting any younger and I’m worried about your lifestyle.”

To Be Concluded