Letter To My (Currently) Unborn Nephew

Dear Nephew*


Hello. I'm Nick. I'm your uncle. Well, one of your uncles, anyway. The one with the sort of upside-downy head - you know, hairy at the bottom and smooth at the top. Yeah, that's the one. Hi. How's it going?


I thought that I might take this opportunity to impart some vital words of wisdom to you as, before we know it, there'll be the whole birth thing (I imagine your mother may describe this in slightly more vivid terms) and then it'll be Christmas and then first birthday and school and university and then you'll pushing us around in wheelchairs and wiping our puckered old bottoms before any of us have really realised how we got there. It then occurred to me that I actually possess nothing in the way of what you might call "wisdom" or indeed anything even vaguely in its orbit so you'll just have to make do with a random selection of stuff which spews off the top of my (shiny) head. This will, in all likelihood, be a theme in the large majority of our conversations so best get used to it now.


I'm going to present it in the form of a list. The first item will explain why:-


1. I'm fond of lists. Your paternal grandmother is also fairly listcentric. (Is that a word? Well, it is now.) Actaully, your Ma and Pa are fond of a spot of listage so you may well be on the listy side.


2. You'll have a ready supply of 70s and 80s toys to entertain you as your paternal grandparents have kept the loft stocked with a large majority of the stuff we owned as kids. All of which is in keeping with the family motto - "Is vires exsisto utilis" or "It might come in handy" to you and me. There are probably also several boxes of our schoolbooks from primary school through to A level knocking about. Hint:- Steer clear of my geography and physics work unless your intention is borderline failure.


3. Your father, mother (via careful conditioning) and grandmother are all Charlton Athletic fans. I've picked up enough over the years to realise that this is some of football-based thing (football's the one with the round ball you kick and are not supposed to pick up - your dad will cover this with you in some detail). Don't worry if you decide to support a different team - your grandad is a West Ham supporter and your dad went through a Liverpool supporting phase in his youth that he doesn't like to talk about.


4. If you are extremely sporty then your dad and paternal grandparents will see you right. If your nature tends more towards the artistic side then Mummy and Uncle Paul are the ones to speak to. If you need someone with the mindset of a child with whom you can watch cartoons, read comics and play Star Wars Lego then Uncle Nick's your man.


5. You will be spoiled, By all sides of the family. I do not think you will find this to be a problem.


There's lots more, of course - like the realisation that your mum and dad will tell you one thing and then do something completely different (as is their natural right), that school really isn't the be-all and end-all, work really does go on forever and drinking really is rather a lot of fun - but why spoil all the surprises now? You've got another few weeks of kicking back in a nice comfy womb and enjoying the ride. Make of then most of this bit while it lasts, sunshine.


I can't wait to meet you, That Nephew Fella. We have much to discuss...


All my love,
Uncle Baldy




(Yes, I have been away from this blog thing for a while. If you're still making the effort to read these witterings after an absence of months then I thank you most kindly. You are a splendid person and life will smile favourably upon you. True fact.)






* Name yet to be officially revealed to the public at large.