Who Does That (The Third*)?

Look, I wasn’t intending for this to become a running series but either the universe is telling me something or I just work in a particularly unpleasant building.** I’m also well aware that this isn’t necessarily a subject that everyone is interested but the analytics would seem to indicate that these are more popular than the rest of my drivel so who am I to deny a depraved audience their dirty treats?

This time, the offence was instantaneous upon the opening of the cubicle door and provoked a number of simultaneous reactions. Disgust was, of course, first and foremost (with a side scraping of nausea to go along with it). Indignation at the person who had felt that it was acceptable to leave the toilet in this state in a working environment. A kind of grudging respect was also there for the sher scale of the spectacle on display.

Let me paint a visual picture***. Imagine, if you will, that a very large boat that is sinking. For those that have seen the film Titanic, this should be relatively easy, especially as it takes about ninety minutes of the ludicrously long running time doing that. This boat has split in two and the back half of the boat has now tilted to the perpendicular with the aft pointing straight up into the sea. Gravity takes it toll and the whole things begins to sink down into the depths. Hold that image there. Now imagine that the boat isn’t made of wood or metal but is instead made of human fecal matter and is residing, unflushed, in the bowl of the toilet in front of you. A goodly proportion of it is clear of the water but the rest is hidden beneath the waves****.

I use the boat imagery here largely to invoke a sense of scale. This thing was big. We’re talking freakish big here. “Big” in the sense of “how-does-this-even-fit-in-a-human-colon-big”. As I said earlier, disgust and grudging respect were fighting themselves here. There was a brief microsecond of an instinct to take a picture of it for proof, in much the same way that you would if you were to discover Sasquatch, but disgust fortunately won out on this one. I backed away slowly and closed the door.

I’m beginning to think it might be better all round if I just hold it til I get home nowadays…

* Hilarious rhyming slang-based pun there. Thinking about it, I really should have called the last one "Number Two"...

** Further disclaimer - the building in which I work is occupied by many different companies so the blame for these could rest with any one of a number of companies. I am in no way singling out any particular company as the chief perpetrators of bottom discourtesy.

*** Probably didn't need the word “visual” there - if I’m painting you a picture, it is by default visual and, as this a written blog, I’m unlikely to be painting you an aural one.

**** Waves used metaphorically here. All was still.