A Beginner's Guide To Getting Up In The Morning

Dear Awakener,

So you want to get up in the morning? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Just follow this handy guide and you’ll soon be living a life of bright-eyed vertical wakefulness as opposed to one of louche horizontal indolence.

Prior To Sleeping
1. Set the requisite six alarms in order to maximise one of them penetrating the gloriously blissful state of slumber which you will only have really started to enjoy around five minutes prior to the first alarm going off.
2. Ensure that all bedside exits are free and clear from any obstructions, especially upturned plugs which will cause a frankly alarming level of pain to the fleshy underside of the foot when stepped upon with unintended force.
3. Ensure that any alcohol consumption is sufficient to keep you sedated until the alarm goes off, no more, no less.

Waking Up
1. Ignore Alarm No. 1.
2. Repeat procedure on Alarms 2 through 5. 
3. Snooze Alarm 6 with the creeping sense of dread that this is the final chance.
4. Open eyes. Very, very reluctantly.
5. Fart (could be voluntary or involuntary at this point)
6. Obsessively check phone.
7. Regret obsessively checking phone as it appears to be more of the same shit just one day further forward.
8. Perform complex maths in the head to determine the absolute minimum amount of time needed for waste removal, bodily cleaning and clothing of the carcass.
9. Drift off for a bit.
10. Wake with a start as you realise that you have now passed the minimum amount of time needed.
11. Daydream in shower, forgetting you have limited time, then remember and panic.
12. Return from bathroom to discover snoozed alarm has been going off for the last ten minutes.
13. Hastily assemble clothing and apply remaining toiletries, hopefully in the correct order.
14. Grab essentials and leave house.
15. Come back to house having got halfway down the street when you realise you’ve forgotten your wallet / book for train / trousers.
16. Don air of absolute fury at the world for having made you late when you know full well deep down that this all your fault.
17. Repeat this process again. And again. And again.

Congratulations! You are now up. Any actions now perpetrated are your own responsibility and, if you wished to avoid all this in the first place, you probably should have just stayed in bed.