Nasal Explosion

(This title sounds like one of the punk bands that Vyvian from The Young Ones would have listened to…)

With an alarming sense of almost seasonal regularity (at which we British types seem to be perpetually and inexplicably surprised), the weather has settled for a while now into what can only be described as “wintry”*. For the commuter, this means a number of things. Additional layers to protect you against the occasional arctic blasts which buffet you whilst huddled upon the platform. The stiflingly unbearable swelteriness of said layers in the overcranked heating of the [insert preferred method of public transport here]. Mainly, though, what it means is germs. Lots and lots of gunge-y, jet-propelled germs.

Today’s germ-based focus is the sneeze; everyone’s favourite method of expelling snot and mucus from the body at roughly the speed of a bullet. On public transport, sneezers tend to fall into a few main camps:-

The Suppressor
Determined not to allow any nostril-themed escapings, this person will pinch the nose in order to cause an internal explosion, often accompanied by heaving of the shoulders and watering of the eyes. For those who are truly unlucky, a particularly forceful sneeze will fail to be contained by this method and fire out at a sideways angle.

The Squeaker
This individual's sneezing sounds are so ludicrously high-pitched that it sounds a lot like they are stepping on a toy mouse.

The Repeated Sniffer
Having unexpectedly sneezed, this unfortunate soul is not possessed of any tissues and now has to spend the entirety of the journey sniffing in order to prevent the now free-flowing nasal drip from making its way down the front of the coat. This compulsive sniffing will irritate anyone within an eight-seat radius for the duration of the trip.

The Exploder
Shits given = zero. This borderline psychopath will make no attempt to cover or disguise their sneeze. Quite the contrary; they seem to revel in the destructive bogey-based force being unleashed from their nasal regions and may even be aiming for some sort of record in terms of distance and radius covered. May well even wipe their nose on their sleeve afterwards because why not?

All of which is to say that, if you happen to be an Exploder on my carriage on the way home, don’t be surprised when my thinly veiled veneer of civility crumbles and I choke you to death with a full pack of Kleenex.


*Obviously that is a lie. As a nation, we excel at differing ways to describe the colder weather. I just didn’t feel like going all thesaurus-y on you so let’s just leave that statement to settle where it is.